The Clincher

Embarrassing moment #3:
Do you know how big a 32" television screen is? We'll get back to that.

This time the year is 1995. My husband and I have taken a trip from Arizona, where we live, to New Jersey, where we're both from, along with our new baby girl to meet our families for the first time. My husband's family is in the process of moving to AZ to be closer to us, but only his mother is there so far. She is house-sitting for us, and has given us strict instructions to take lots of pictures and video of her hubby and home, because she's lonely already.

We split the time we're visiting between my family and his. But now, we're staying with his dad, the three of us comfortably set up in the guest bedroom. It's early morning and the baby is still sleeping. I leave to take a shower. My husband decides to do some videotaping of the house and backyard for his mom. I walk back into the bedroom, wrapped in a towel and stop at the foot of the bed. He is standing at the window, taping the view of the backyard. I drop my towel to begin dressing.

This is my fatal flaw, people. Right at this very moment.

At that very second, and with me completely unaware, my husband whips around with the camera and zooms in on one particular part of my anatomy and begins catcalling. ha. ha. ha.

"Give me the camera!" I squeal, as I lunge at him still naked. He laughs. "You can't put that on there! Good grief!"

I switched the camera to 'VCR' mode and rewound the footage. Yo baby. Not cool. "Tape over it, and quickly!"

Okay, safe. Whew. Scold the husband, get a good laugh at my expense, and proceed with the taping...and dressing...separately.

Fast forward to back at home in Arizona: "Hi, Mom! We missed you too! Thanks for watching our house! Yes, lots of footage. Let's watch." We all sit down on the couch together and pop the tape into the VCR, my husband, me, and my mother-in-law. Good times.

Ah, yes, there's dad. Waving. Oh, and there's the garden. Yes, the shed! Look how green the yard is! The deck! Love that deck. Jenna's naked crotch. The livingroom. Oh, the piano! ....

I froze. Dear God, please say she blinked. Amen.

A quick glance to my husband, who is also frozen. Maybe she blinked. And then...

"Wait, did I just see what I thought I saw?"

How come you've answered every other prayer???

Yep, that's right, folks. Apparently, there was a little overlap of the tape when it was switched from 'VCR' mode back to 'record' mode. My mother-in-law saw the fullness of my femininity right there on the TV screen in my livingroom. 32" of it, to be exact. More of it than I've seen, and this was before Brazilians became trendy, lemme tell ya.

The only thing worse was her getting on the phone to share the "funny thing" with the rest of the family. The only thing worse than that was the next family get-together.

Ha. Ha. You're all a bunch of comedians.

Never trust your nakedness within 1 mile of your husband with a videocamera. Never! And now you know it all!