Today was hard, I'm not gonna lie. Lots of issues coming out, the natural result of the distance between us all, figuratively and literally. But these things happen, and hopefully bring with them some mutual understanding and forgiveness. I can't really write about any of it. But there was some good, too.
Dylan got to spend some time with one of his closest friends today. I sent the big kids and Brad (Dylan's friend) to the movies in the afternoon to see Batman. I nursed a migraine and some anger and hurt feelings while they were gone, and then I got up, and got to work. I cleaned off the back patio, set up tables and chairs, and prepared a taco salad bar dinner out back. Brad stayed for dinner, and Sean (my stepson) came over too. After dinner and clean up, we watched the movie Hugo (very, very good!) waiting for it to get dark outside. When it was dark, Dylan and Brad got a fire going in a makeshift fire pit that I borrowed from my friend. Then we sat around the fire and roasted marshmallows for S'mores. (I look at these pictures and think how ghetto this is, but it was a fun idea, and we had a good time.)
S'mores Lyndsay's way: Graham cracker, Peanut Butter Cup, marshmallow, Hershey's chocolate, marshmallow, graham cracker. Like a S'more Club. My friend gave me the idea for using the peanut butter cups instead of the chocolate bars, and oh, my, I'll never go back.
Late that night, I put the fire out, took Brad home, and went to my room heavy-hearted. Life is not how I'd hoped it would be, at least right now. My kids are growing people now that definitely have their own feelings, opinions, wounds, and baggage. They've had pain I wish I could take from them. In some ways they're jaded by it, cynical and pessimistic about life, love, religion, etc. I never want the journeys that they are each on individually to divide us as a family. We suffered much of the same pain, but experienced it in different ways, and they have had pain and trials that I never had to experience as a child. Sometimes, because we spend so little time together, it's hard to see through all of that STUFF to the love that we have together and all the shared history we have. I worry tremendously. I'm trying to consciously step back and honor their discoveries as they become who they were meant to be, realizing that it's a process, and there will be more changes to come in that process. I need to have faith in them, to honor them, and just to love them. But at the same time, I need to honor myself and set boundaries that I adhere to. It's all so delicate and complicated because such tender feelings are involved.
But this is part of being All Together Again.