Saturday, July 21, 2012
My Boy is Coming!
My boy is nearly a man. He's tall, he's broad-shouldered, muscular, deep-voiced. But I love him still as I loved him when I very first held him as a baby: with all my heart. And I miss him so, so much. In the last year that he's lived with his dad, I've only spent eight days with him. 8! I know he's off doing what he needs to do, and having great experiences with his dad, becoming more of a man. I know he's learning things that I couldn't teach him, and I've heard from many that these are the years that a boy is the farthest from his mother, whether he lives with her or not, but man, do I miss my Dylan. My thoughts are always turned to him. My heart always reaches for him. Somebody is always missing around here, that's for sure.
And next week I get to see him! On Thursday, my boys come home and I get to have all of my children together for one week. Of course, I want it to be perfect, for everyone, and I know it won't be. I just need to let go of that. I wish I had so much to offer him, and all of them together. I spent the day reworking all of my plans for the week we're together. Activities, day trips, meals. But the most important thing is that the house is bursting with love. No expectations of perfection, no criticisms or focus on mistakes of the past, just free-flowing love. In that way, I could have done better with Dylan, I think. I'd never parented a teenage boy before, and I'd certainly never been one. I didn't expect the shift that occurred in my boy when he entered adolescence. I tried too hard to rein him in and didn't trust him enough to let him just become. I did a lot of things right, and I know I definitely tried my best, and am still trying. I just love that kid so much, and I miss his face around here. His blue eyes, his laugh, his constant jokes, his voice. I hate missing his life. All of the experiences that he's having, he's having without me. I hope someday he wants to share them with me. I would be his captive audience forever for the privilege.
I am preparing to savor every moment of being All Together Again.