Saturday, September 25, 2010


Last night I had a dream.

I was in a room full of people I knew and I was standing up front giving an object lesson. I held in my hand a Zero food bar. Now, I don't know if this product even exists. The salespitch of a Zero food bar was that it had zero calories, and yet it was "food". I called someone up to the front for a demonstration. I asked her to quack like a duck and waddle like a duck, which she did. Clearly, she was for our intents and purposes, easily identifiable as a duck. Then I "took away" her quack and waddle and asked her to just stand there. Now did she seem like a duck? The point that I was making in my dream was that food is supposed to nourish us, give us energy. Calories are energy. If we take the calories away, then how will our bodies recognize what we put into them as food?

When I woke up from the dream, I clearly knew in my heart that that was not the point of my dream.

I've had a rough time of life lately. I feel like I just don't get anything right, and then to make things worse, the things I get wrong I feel like I'm not allowed to talk about. That is an incredibly frustrating position to be in, especially when one of my primary coping mechanisms is writing. So instead, I shrink up and criticize myself for this or that, try to eliminate this part of my personality and that part, try to not be this way or that way. Say different, act different, be different---anything other than what I am, and that just leaves me feeling even lonelier, even more confused. Like a shell, an empty shell.

With all of me gone, I feel like a zero. Unrecognizable even to myself. And yet, like calories, I'm still trying to figure out if I'm needed, purposeful, nourishing, or if I'm just misunderstood and condemned.

So, I think that was the point.

Otherwise, that's kind of a weird dream, don'tcha think?


Annette Lyon said...

Write it out anyway. Just in a private place. Writing is so cathartic--and it's a form a prayer at times.

I've been there. In fact, this is a good reminder that I need to be writing stuff out to find me again.

Hannah said...

Ahh Jenna, it seems we are both having a rough time. I'm sorry. I love you lots. Here's to better times!

Megan said...

In your dream you were able to do what your professor did to you when you "volunteered" to be a responsible citizen in front of the class...

Perhaps the duck represents what you/we need to be: Well if it acts like a duck and sounds like a duck... It must be a duck.

That demon sure is sneaking his way into your subconscious. You must be doing something right methinks else why bother with you?!

Luisa Perkins said...

I know you're writing them; you are a faithful journal-er. The hard part is not being able to share them. I get this more than you know. xoxo