Saturday, February 23, 2013


There are tons of thoughts running through my head tonight.

The other day, I had one of those happy swellings fill my entire being and I felt the thought, "I choose to be incredible."

And then I started to think about what "incredible" would look like, for me. And what it would feel like. How would being incredible change my life?

Like an Extreme Makeover on crack, let me tell you. Because I know that I have been living far beneath my privileges. I have been battling demons, some external and some internal, but all of them stealing from me what is my rightful due, and what could make me incredible.

One of the ways--one of the unhealthy ways--that I've been battling my demons is with food. But really, I'm not giving much of a battle at all. Rather, I'm feeding them! I know it. My brain chemistry is off, I can feel (I imagine) systemic inflammation, I'm not sleeping well, and I'm tired all the time.

(Yes, I know I'm busy, but I'm not that kind of tired.)

I know how to feed myself. I feed my children that way. And then, I wait to do damage to me that I wouldn't dare do to them. Not so much in quantity, but in quality. Sugar is a drug, plain and simple. I buy my stashes and I hide them. Every day I tell myself it's there "just in case." And "in case" happens every single day.

The messages from my past.

The fears about my present and my future.

My regrets. My failings.

The never-ending barrage of hateful words he screams at me.

And I tell myself, "Don't believe it. Don't listen. They are lies, all of them." But then I find my drug and I self-medicate. Trying to ease the pain and soothe my soul, all with promises of Tomorrow.

But I've been incredible before, and it's alluring. I think I could get there again. I think I'm to the point where I don't need to shrink so much, or fear so much. And I think I could get to the point where I could forgive myself more, and I definitely need to learn to love myself better.

Tonight I watched a documentary called Hungry for Change. The first hour and fifteen minutes were all things I already know about biochemistry and food additives and sugar and diet and juicing and more vegetables! I love that kind of information, because it makes me more committed to feeding my children well, and to maybe, possibly someday treating myself better. But the last part of the documentary was actually the most powerful to me. The part about how taking care of ourselves begins with loving ourselves.

I definitely don't love myself like I should. But I want to. I know God wants me to.

There are just so many voices.

But Dr. Christiane Northrup, an OB/GYN that I've long admired was one of the guests on the documentary, and she suggested Louise Hay's affirmation of "I accept myself unconditionally right now." She said that for years she actually wrote that on a prescription pad and gave it to her patients with instructions to tape it to their bathroom mirror with instructions to look deeply into their eyes and say it aloud twice a day. She said to do it for 30 days. She said, after saying it, all of those false beliefs will come creeping back into your mind: "You're a piece of crap. You're totally worthless. Look at how fat you are, what a loser and a failure you are." She said, that's okay. Say it anyway, and somewhere around Day 28, a shift occurs. The new affirmation will replace the old ones and it will become powerful in your subconscious.

(And that's without the addition of fervent prayer, so just imagine!)

I'm doing it. Because I don't accept myself unconditionally right now, but I would love to. I'm tired of the way I feel inside, and it is extremely difficult to do all of the things that I have to do in my life right now feeling the way that I feel. Like trudging through chest-high tar.

So, I have a sticky note on my bathroom mirror. I do know the power of words and the power of thoughts. I'm going to add the power of my faith and see what happens.

I might end up to be incredible.


Andrea said...

love the sticky note!
I'm trying to find the lost me and be incredible too.
It seems easier to just eat though. Wishing you all the best on your journey

B said...


Anonymous said...

just dropping by to say hello

Jennifer said...

You already are an amazing person and an even more amazing mom. You can face your challenges and come out stronger, and in so doing, you will show your kids what perserverence and faith are all about. I know it for sure!

Unknown said...

Thank you I needed that.

Camille said...

Thank you for this post. I just happened upon your blog today. I really needed this.

Camille said...

Thank you for this post. I happened upon your blog by accident today, but this was just what I needed. Thank you for expressing so well what I have been dealing with.

Nancy said...

I love this post. Thank you for the inspiration, I am going to put a sticky note on my mirror tonight. I love the name and explanation of your blog name too. :-)

Angie White said...

Thank you. I needed this.

Anonymous said...

I just watched that documentary two days ago, and the same part really stuck out to me! I always think, "When I (insert something like "lose weight" or "get organized"), then I'll be happy with myself. It's so hard to love our own imperfections.

Southern said...

This is incredible. You are incredible. Don't listen to anything else. You have been through so much, and it continues. You are doing incredible things every day. I can't imagine anyone screaming hateful words at you. Distance yourself and do what you know you need to do. You are doing most of it already. SouthernMan

Saint Holiday said...

I feel exactly the same way, and I have for as long as I can remember. I hope you find the way.

Anonymous said...

I don't remember who, but someone on FB linked this and I just now read it. I'm so glad I did. Thank you for sharing. I'm getting my sticky note ready now!

Andrea said...

I have thought about this post all week and I just want to add that I think you are incredible!
I'm thankful for the difference you have made in my life.
Don't you dare listen to anyone else who says you aren't incredible!

Luisa Perkins said...

You are incredible. You ARE.

It's so easy for me to see that in you. Much harder to see it in myself.