All Together Again: Day 3

Today would be better.  I told the kids to be ready to leave at 8am for a hike in Eaton Canyon.  At the last minute, Dylan decided he didn't want to go because of his chronic knee pain.  He felt sure his knees wouldn't be able to handle it and then he'd just be hurting for the next few days.  The other kids were pretty annoyed by that (thinking that it was kind of a cop-out excuse since he doesn't always baby his knees), but I put them in the car and talked with Dylan privately for a while.  I know he's so super frustrated by the pain in his body.  He's so young and he feels like he's been cursed with a faulty body that holds him back from the things he wants to do.  He feels like doctors can't help him and there's nothing he can do and it's incredibly discouraging and frustrating to him, and I think it's the pain and frustration that colors his outlook on other things in life.  He feels like it's just not fair.  And it isn't, true.  We talked about that too.  My heart breaks for him.  We had a nice chat and in the end, I left the decision up to him whether he joined us or not.  He opted to sit this activity out, so we left him at home.  

Eaton Canyon is in Pasadena, and hiking it was on my summer goal list.  Though there are several different hikes in Eaton Canyon, we wanted the waterfall one, and according to the internet, it was 1.5 miles each way, so we brought Conor along.  

Yeah, it was not 1.5 miles.  At least 3 each way.  At least.  But we had a good time, and it was beautiful, not too hot, and great exercise.  At the end of our trail was the waterfall (not too substantial since it's been such a dry summer, but exciting nonetheless. It was a pleasant reward.  The boys took off their shirts and shoes and played in the water.  

On the way back, Aiden and Sean hiked in the (mostly) dry riverbed, while Lyndsay, Conor, and I hiked on the trail, crossing the streambed periodically.  After some time of not seeing the boys, we decided we'd better wait for them on the side of the trail, since their hike was more cumbersome and time-consuming than ours.  But they didn't come, and they didn't answer our calls (as in screaming their names calls, not phone calls---Aiden had the backpack with the cell phones, water, and car keys in it.)  Conor was very worried.  "They're lost," he kept saying.  "They're never going to find us."  

"Have some faith, Conor," I'd reply.  "They're good scouts and they know how to follow a trail."  We decided to keep walking after waiting about 20 minutes, thinking that even though we hadn't seen them, surely they would think to work their way toward the trail head.  We got a little farther down the trail and saw a small crowd gathered looking at something.  It was a huge rattlesnake slowly slithering in the bushes just off the trail.  I had never seen a rattlesnake so big!  We watched it for a while, and then it moved to cross the trail, which it did, leisurely.  We gave it space, but man, was it cool to see!  Just after it slithered into the bushes on the opposite side of the trail, out of sight, around the corner came Aiden and Sean.  Finally!  Turns out, they had decided to sit and wait for us, thinking they were ahead of us on the trail.  No matter, everyone was safe, and we hiked the last bit to the end.  We were tired!  We had hiked for over 3 hours.  And listened to Conor micromanage the entire way.

We stopped for In-N-Out burgers on the way home and then we showered and rested a bit.  Adam took Sean home, and I took my kids out to the mall so Lyndsay could get a few things she needed and I got Dylan some things he needed for the new school year.  We walked over to the Americana and watched the fountains, and then headed home.  For dinner I made cheesesteaks, and the kids hung out in the family room watching America's Funniest Home Videos.  The mood was so much better.  

Some pics of the day:

Some of the trail was easy like this, just packed sand.  But other parts were a little trickier, climbing up and down rocks and crossing the streambed.  Not too hard, but definitely challenging for Conor.  He was such a trouper!

Aiden was heroic, sometimes carrying Conor across the rocky parts.

This scene?  All of them in one room, getting along, and laughing together?  Makes my heart so happy.

All Together Again: Day 2

Today was hard, I'm not gonna lie.  Lots of issues coming out, the natural result of the distance between us all, figuratively and literally.  But these things happen, and hopefully bring with them some mutual understanding and forgiveness.  I can't really write about any of it.  But there was some good, too.

Dylan got to spend some time with one of his closest friends today.  I sent the big kids and Brad (Dylan's friend) to the movies in the afternoon to see Batman.  I nursed a migraine and some anger and hurt feelings while they were gone, and then I got up, and got to work.  I cleaned off the back patio, set up tables and chairs, and prepared a taco salad bar dinner out back.  Brad stayed for dinner, and Sean (my stepson) came over too.  After dinner and clean up, we watched the movie Hugo (very, very good!) waiting for it to get dark outside.  When it was dark, Dylan and Brad got a fire going in a makeshift fire pit that I borrowed from my friend.  Then we sat around the fire and roasted marshmallows for S'mores.  (I look at these pictures and think how ghetto this is, but it was a fun idea, and we had a good time.)

S'mores Lyndsay's way: Graham cracker, Peanut Butter Cup, marshmallow, Hershey's chocolate, marshmallow, graham cracker.  Like a S'more Club.  My friend gave me the idea for using the peanut butter cups instead of the chocolate bars, and oh, my, I'll never go back.

Late that night, I put the fire out, took Brad home, and went to my room heavy-hearted.  Life is not how I'd hoped it would be, at least right now.  My kids are growing people now that definitely have their own feelings, opinions, wounds, and baggage.  They've had pain I wish I could take from them.  In some ways they're jaded by it, cynical and pessimistic about life, love, religion, etc.  I never want the journeys that they are each on individually to divide us as a family.  We suffered much of the same pain, but experienced it in different ways, and they have had pain and trials that I never had to experience as a child.  Sometimes, because we spend so little time together, it's hard to see through all of that STUFF to the love that we have together and all the shared history we have.  I worry tremendously.  I'm trying to consciously step back and honor their discoveries as they become who they were meant to be, realizing that it's a process, and there will be more changes to come in that process.  I need to have faith in them, to honor them, and just to love them.  But at the same time, I need to honor myself and set boundaries that I adhere to.  It's all so delicate and complicated because such tender feelings are involved.

But this is part of being All Together Again.

All Together Again: Day 1

Oh, Happy Day!  I barely slept last night, and was up early showering and getting ready to head down to the airport.  When my boys walked through the gate and my eyes first glimpsed them, I couldn't help the tears.  I am so glad they're here!  I haven't seen Dylan since Christmas (man, he's tall!) and I've missed Aiden so much this summer.  I have one week with all of them together before life really changes, and I want to soak up every minute of it.  

Today was low-key.  The kids played around in the livingroom, catching up, having a good time.  Mostly getting bossed around by Conor.  I took Dylan and Aiden for haircuts and then to get Dylan a few things he needed.  We ate stromboli for lunch and the zucchini cake I made for Dylan (his favorite).  In the evening I took the kids out to Descanso Gardens for the Thursday Night Summer Concert.  We packed a picnic dinner: Pasta Salad with Chicken, crackers and cheese, watermelon, peaches, strawberries, and Orange Cream sodas.  The music was Cuban Jazz.  Dylan wasn't so sure a picnic would be a fun idea, but we had a good time.  It's such a cool crowd out there on concert night.  We chatted, and the kids played Skip-Bo.  We brought Lyndsay's friend, Minely, with us as well.  I just  love looking from child to child, just watching them, noticing the changes that have taken place in their faces, their personalities.  Time goes so fast, and I sure miss days gone by.  I want my Dylan to know how very much I love him.  

Here are some pictures from the day:

More fun tomorrow!

My Boy is Coming!

My boy is nearly a man.  He's tall, he's broad-shouldered, muscular, deep-voiced.  But I love him still as I loved him when I very first held him as a baby: with all my heart.  And I miss him so, so much.  In the last year that he's lived with his dad, I've only spent eight days with him.  8!  I know he's off doing what he needs to do, and having great experiences with his dad, becoming more of a man.  I know he's learning things that I couldn't teach him, and I've heard from many that these are the years that a boy is the farthest from his mother, whether he lives with her or not, but man, do I miss my Dylan.  My thoughts are always turned to him.  My heart always reaches for him.  Somebody is always missing around here, that's for sure.

And next week I get to see him!  On Thursday, my boys come home and I get to have all of my children together for one week.  Of course, I want it to be perfect, for everyone, and I know it won't be.  I just need to let go of that.  I wish I had so much to offer him, and all of them together.  I spent the day reworking all of my plans for the week we're together.  Activities, day trips, meals.  But the most important thing is that the house is bursting with love.  No expectations of perfection, no criticisms or focus on mistakes of the past, just free-flowing love.  In that way, I could have done better with Dylan, I think.  I'd never parented a teenage boy before, and I'd certainly never been one.  I didn't expect the shift that occurred in my boy when he entered adolescence.  I tried too hard to rein him in and didn't trust him enough to let him just become.  I did a lot of things right, and I know I definitely tried my best, and am still trying.  I just love that kid so much, and I miss his face around here.  His blue eyes, his laugh, his constant jokes, his voice.  I hate missing his life.  All of the experiences that he's having, he's having without me.  I hope someday he wants to share them with me.  I would be his captive audience forever for the privilege.

I am preparing to savor every moment of being All Together Again.

Conor Learns to Swim

This is so exciting for me!  My lovely and generous friend, Luisa, invited Conor to join her children for swim lessons this summer.  Unbeknownst to her, this was an answer to prayer, as teaching Conor to swim has been on my list of things that I needed to find a way to accomplish.  I was so, so grateful and Conor was over-the-moon excited.  So for the last few weeks, we've been going to swim lessons, which has not only been fun for the kids, but a treat for me to sit and chat with such a good friend.

Yesterday, I walked by the pool toward the end of lessons, and lo and behold, Conor was swimming!  I was so excited!  There he was!  He has learned to kick off the wall, swim with his face in the water for a few strokes and then roll to his back and float for a few breaths, and then roll back and start swimming again.

Now, granted, he's not all that graceful yet, but my little guy is doing it!  I'm so proud of him for not being afraid, and for being a receptive, willing student.  One of my very favorite things about being a mother is watching my children learn new skills and seeing them grow in their capabilities and confidence.  This summer has been very satisfying in that way.  Yay for Conor!

Summer, a Month Later: Canning

A lot has been happening, and I had such good intentions to put my heart back into my blog, but I'm not very good at drowning out negative voices, and I've fallen victim to them.  I regularly debate whether or not to make my blog private.  I wish I could just ban certain people from reading, but it doesn't work that way.  So, there are small-minded troublemakers out there, that twist my words and my intentions into something ugly, and it hurts my heart.  Inevitably, I retreat.  And I miss my blog, but my heart isn't brave enough to forge onward despite mean people.

Today I thought I'd dip my toes back in the water, with a canning update.  Because that's free of scandal, right?

Every summer I look forward to fresh fruit on sale, and lots of it, so we can eat it, of course, but also so I can put up the year's worth of jam.  Right now I am down to only 2 pints of the jam I made last summer, so that worked out pretty well!  And during the year I didn't buy any jam from the store and I only bought one bottle of pancake syrup!

Raspberries came first this season for me, so I bought a lot.  Conor loves "Jam Days," as he calls them. He's actually a pretty trusty helper.  The first day we made two batches of raspberry jam.

All those little 4oz. jars of jam will be Christmas gifts for teachers.  They're all put away until I can make cute tags to go with them.  With only the four jars left for us, I made another two batches of raspberry jam a few days later.  And also two batches of strawberry jam.  

Then peaches and plums went on sale, and I went a little crazy.  From my new Ball canning book I'd been wanting to try a few new recipes.  But these peaches (which I made the produce manager open up  before I bought them so I could confirm that they were freestone and not cling) were amazingly delicious and only $0.49/lb.  I bought a lot.  My goal was to make some peach jam and also to bottle 7 quarts of peaches, something I hadn't tried on my own before.

I got my jars all sterilized and ready.   

And here's what I ended up with from all those peaches.  Six quarts of bottled peaches, 9 pints of peach jam, and 3 pints of peach sauce.  I'm not thoroughly satisfied with the pints.  The jam is runny and the peach sauce is only 'sauce' because after it was canned I realized I'd forgotten to add the pectin!  I was definitely trying to do too many things in the kitchen that morning.  Now, it's all still perfectly useful and delicious, but kind of defeating, too.  I am really thinking I'll open up some of that syrup/jam and try it again, adding more pectin.  Half of it is for my friend, Luisa, and though she's come up with many perfectly satisfying uses for peach syrup, I still want some jam.  We'll see.

But speaking of Luisa, (WHO NOW LIVES HERE IN CALIFORNIA WITH ME, OH MY GOSH!) we had such a great time last week when she came over for a day of canning with me.  I call it our Jam Session.  She brought her three youngest kids, who played happily with Conor, while we jammed in the kitchen.  We've been the best of friends for over 12 years, but it's always been a coast-to-coast relationship.  I couldn't get over the fact that here she was in my home!  We made six batches of jam that day, before we had to head to swimming lessons with the kids.  We made Orange-Plum and Mango-Raspberry.  All truly delicious.  

And then there were the mangoes.  I saw in the weekly ad that mangoes would be on sale, 3/$1.  That's incredible, so I went the first day to stock up only to find that every single mango was gone.  But no matter.  I found out that there would be a new shipment at the store when they opened at 6am, so I was there, and I bought my 30 mangoes.  We used many of them for the Mango-Raspberry jam above, but some of them are still not ripe, so we're waiting them out, and then they will be turned into Mango jam. Which is totally divine.  Especially on pancakes.

Here is Lyndsay cutting up mangoes for me.  The jam-making must be a family affair, right?  And she's so good to do all the parts that I hate doing, like cutting up mangoes.

So now I have a lot of jam.  And Luisa and I still have plans to make apricot, at least.  I would also like to make a few batches of blueberry, since that was by far my family's favorite this year.  It feels so wonderful to see those jars, filled with the freshest fruit of summer, waiting to nourish my family all year long.  And probably to share with friends, also.

Summer Day #1

I woke up this morning with puffy eyes from crying so much yesterday after taking Aiden to the airport.  I had a little pity party, I admit it.  I hate it that my kids have to go back and forth, or worse, move to their dad's, and that I miss out on parts of their lives.  It's really, really hard.  I could say other mean things, but I'm trying to refrain.  *bites tongue*

I want to really make the most of this summer, though, whether I have one kid at home, or all six.  And I want to keep Conor busy and happy too, so we started our summer routine this morning.  Which basically means, don't go downstairs and turn on the tv, because we've got STUFF to do!

He woke up and got dressed, and I walked him through his new list of daily chores.  (He has weekly chores too.)  Maybe a post on that later.

The big plan for today was to go to the park.  Lyndsay was taking the car to a swim party, but the park is only a mile away, and the weather was so beautiful, so we decided to walk.  Conor doesn't normally opt for walking over driving, but I told him no complaining or the deal was off.  Not a negative word out of him.

He played at the park for two and a half hours.  I was a little shocked, but it was so nice outside, and his best friend from kindergarten showed up unexpectedly.  Then later, he made a new friend in a kid named Gray, "like the color," he said when he told us his name.  They played for a good long time, and I finally had to say it's time to go.  And after all that, he walked the mile home happily and without complaint.  I told him how proud I was of him for his good attitude, and he said, "Why, thank you."

I let him watch a little tv and play some Wii while I got some things done and finished the book I'd almost finished at the park.  I fell asleep for a bit on the couch too, which was heavenly.  When I woke up we did some homeschool work.  Nothing big, some Phonics Pathways, he read some Frog and Toad to me, and he did some copy work ("Who Has Seen the Wind?").

Then we had another piano lesson.  He's picking it up well and begs for more.  I'll enjoy that while it lasts, since I'm well aware that it doesn't.

Dinnertime, bathtime, bedtime read-aloud.  Tonight we read D'Aulaire's George Washington.  We read Abraham Lincoln last week, twice.  He loved it.  I was going to take him to the library this week, but in going through all the bookshelves to clean out and make a donation, I realized how many hundreds of amazing books we already have thanks to years of homeschooling and should really make use of, so we're starting there.

Once little guy went to bed, I ran to the grocery store and bought a ton of raspberries and canning lids for tomorrow's project, raspberry jam.  Lyndsay and I are hanging out in the living room, reading and blogging.  I miss Aiden's face around here, but today was a good day.