We're Leaving in Three Days, But I Don't Think We're Ready

Oh my, it's overwhelming.  Both of us are so distraught that we've become useless.  She cries, I cry.  It's breaking my heart.  I don't know if I'll have the strength to leave her in Utah and drive home alone.  I want her here with me.  I want her home.  I want her to be 3 again.  5.  10.  13.  15.  (She was so great at every age.)  Any age but 18 years, one month, and one day.

Today Lyndsay went to Target and bought the remaining items on her registry.  She received so much help in the form of cash, giftcards, and gifts, for which we are both so incredibly grateful.  She is pretty much on her own financially, but she's well-prepared.  And while it was so fun to purchase all of these new, pretty things for her very own space, it is also really hard for both of us.  She is such a homesick girl when she's away, and she and I are tied at the heart.

But now, somehow we have to pack all this stuff up and make it possible for her to transport it without a huge entourage.  When I drop her off for her Honors class, she will be in a temporary dorm and though I will stay for a few days, I have to drive back home before she will be able to move into her assigned dorm.  So, we'll have to figure out a way to store all of her things for those days and then a way for her to get them all to her new home.  No, her new dorm.  Her home is here with me.

Though each dorm room (of 2 girls) has a sink and mirror, the showers are shared with the whole floor, so it was recommended that the girls have a shower caddy.  Here's Lyndsay's:

She's got everything from razors, to face wash and moisturizer, to flossers, to shower gel, to toothpaste and mouthwash, and deoderant.  Of course, shampoo and conditioner too.  She can just tote this to and from the shower.  I did buy her extra bathroom supplies so she won't have to worry about that.

And here's her little medicine chest, should she have a need:

I hope we covered every base.  She's taking vitamins and apple cider vinegar too.

I sat on her bed and cried a bit tonight.  I can't believe that in a week I'll be back home, having done the deed, and this room will be clean and empty of my girl and her STUFF.  Of course I know that this is the only way it can be.  For her growth, for mine.  I'm so lucky to have her and to have the relationship with her that I do.  She is such a source of comfort and strength to me, and has become such a dear companion.  Life is about to change, and it will never be the same again.  I'm not ready to think that it will be better somehow.  I just wish I could freeze time.

On the wall of Lyndsay's room is a print I bought for her years ago when she was about 7.  It reminds me that this stage of life is part of the plan.  If you can't read it, it says, "I know the plans I have for you. . . plans to give you hope and a future.  --Jeremiah 29:11"

My plan for her, her Heavenly Father's plan for her.  Beyond this pain, I know her future is bright.  And I know she will always love coming home.

Canning Annie's Salsa

I have no idea who Annie is, but her salsa recipe is famous on the internet.  I didn't know this until I posted on Facebook that I was going to can salsa today and my sister Hannah eagerly suggested that I google Annie's Salsa and make that recipe.  This was very helpful information because I was going back and forth between canning books and various internet recipes trying to decide which direction I was going.  With Hannah's hearty recommendation, I stopped looking and started acting.

Working in batches, I washed the tomatoes.  Then I plunged them in some boiling water and then into ice water and slipped their skins off.  I hate this part.  I prefer it when I get to use my food mill, but we were going for chunky and not pureed this time, so I played by the rules.

Here are the tomatoes, all embarrassed by their nakedness.

Then came the part I hated even more: coring and seeding the tomatoes.  Good Night that took forever. And the kitchen sink and counter looked like a murder scene.  Thankfully, Lyndsay came in to help at this point and it went much faster with another pair of hands.  Then the tomatoes were diced up, drained, and put into the pot.

To the tomatoes we added the onion, garlic, bell pepper, jalapenos, cilantro, and spices.

Annie's recipe calls for a can of tomato paste and a can of tomato sauce.  For texture.  I followed those directions, but I'm not sure if I would if I ever make salsa again.  Just sayin'.  We'll see how we like it.

Finally, after hours of chopping, everything is in the pot and it is boiled for 10 minutes.  Then it gets ladled into clean jars and processed in the water bath for 15 minutes.

Annie's recipe says it yields 6 pints.  Other places online that have her recipe say 6-8 pints.  I got 9 (one is in the fridge), so I'm not sure how I got that far off.

Oh, I hope this is good!  And I hope the kids are ready to eat a lot of chips and salsa!

(Sorry I didn't have the good camera for these pictures!)

It's the Final Countdown

I am staring at the final week I have with Lyndsay in my home.  She's about ready to fly from the nest.  I have so many feelings stirring within me.  Where did the time go?

(Lyndsay's first Christmas.  We're wearing the matching nightgowns my mom made for us.  Now, all these years later, Lyndsay has hair, and mine is gray.)

How do we make the most of these last days?  I mean, I have been so conscious of the time I have with her, and we really have "lived it up" the best that we can.  I'm thankful that looking back I have very few regrets.  We learned together, she and I.  She was just as much my teacher as I was hers.  Oh, how grateful I am for the 11 years I had her in my homeschool.  And, the books we've read together, the miles we've walked together, the meals we've cooked together, the laughs we've shared.  And even the pain.  She's been a witness to my pain, just as I've witnessed hers.  What a joy it's been to grow up with Lyndsay.  She is a treasure to me, of such value that it brings me to tears to think she was entrusted to my care.  

But now, she's feeling such anxiety.  She doesn't want to talk about leaving, or school, or the future (the future is 8 days away, I remind her). She wants to just freeze time and stay right here.  Man, if part of me doesn't wish that could be.  I wondered if we tip-toed through this last week, maybe time wouldn't take notice of us and forget to tick and tock.  And yet the other part of me knows that we're better off stomping and dancing around through these last days of Life As We Know It, because happiness comes from living it all to the fullest, with gratitude bursting.  And Time doesn't much care how we feel anyway.  It will bless us in the end.

I see myself in her. Eighteen years old, and a whole world of discovery and growth and joy ahead of her.  She's already lightyears ahead of my 18-year-old self.  She won't make some of the mistakes that I made at her age, but she'll make her own.  

I hope she's ready.  I hope I prepared her enough.  I keep going through mental checklists, making sure there's not something really significant that I missed.  Last night we did another planning session together, rearranging her schedule of classes again.  I hope she's not in over her head.  I know she's so capable and I know she's a hard worker.  I also know she's trembling inside, and that she relies on me, and I won't be there to catch her.  But here she is, all grown up, ready to go and do what has been in the plan all along.  I am bursting with pride.  And my knees are knocking.  It's a new stage of life for me, as well.  

This last week I can't cry too much.  She can't take it, emotional as she is right now.  I have to be the strong one, pepping her up, full of excitement: "Oh!  It's going to be so much fun!  You're going to love it!"  It's a tough act, let me tell you.  And I'm very much alone in this journey I have to make, which makes it a bit harder.  Oh, how I'll miss her face around here.  And yet, I'm so happy she will be somewhere else.  

Okay, my job this week is to make Lyndsay's Favorite Things.  She's expressed several times how much she will miss my cooking, so I've had her tell me all the things she wants me to make before she leaves. It's a lot of chicken, folks.  But we'll fill her up with her favorites.  

We're starting off with Baked Creamy Chicken Taquitos and Monkey Bread.  This is going to be a fun food week.  It's just what we need around here.  

My Dad Called Me a "Saucy Lady"

Well, I knew the tomato plants were heavy with fruit, but I was just so busy with the kids all here that I had to put them off.  Until today.  When Aiden woke up I armed him with a bowl and a little brother and told him his job was to harvest tomatoes!  He and Conor were out there for a good thirty minutes, and they only came in for another bowl.  And then a bag.  And then another bag.  When the job was done, I was looking at a first harvest of 39.4lbs. of Romas!  (With lots more to come!)

The kids had dentist appointments today, so we went and did that, and when we came home I had a few hours before piano lessons to get the sauce started.  I used a recipe called "All-Purpose Tomato Sauce" from Canning for a New Generation, by Liana Krisoff.  I'd never canned tomato sauce before, though I always make it from scratch (or in the winter, at least from canned tomatoes.)  This recipe is a basic tomato sauce that can be herbed up for spaghetti sauce or pizza sauce or enchilada sauce.  And it smelled heavenly.  Each batch made 4 pints, but I couldn't ever see myself wanting just a pint of sauce, so I used quart jars instead.

I washed the tomatoes and cut them in quarters and the boys ran them through the food mill for me.  Each batch needed 12 cups of tomato puree.  For two batches we used about 26 pounds of tomatoes.

In a large pot, I added a tablespoon or so of olive oil and sauteed two onions until translucent.

Here are the tomatoes going through the works.

Then I added three or four cloves of garlic to the onions, sauteed them just for a minute and poured in the tomato puree, bringing it to a boil, and then reducing to a simmer.

You can see in the beginning there is a lot of water in the tomatoes.  That needs to simmer down and reduce until it's thickened up.  I let it simmer for about an hour and a half.  Maybe two, I'm not sure.  But you can tell when it's done because it gets thicker (like tomato sauce!) and the color gets darker.

This is just about done now.

I sterilized the jars in the dishwasher while the sauce was simmering.  Then into each quart jar I put a teaspoon of citric acid to boost the acid content and keep the color fresh.

Then I just filled the jars, leaving 1/2" headspace, wiped the rims, and put the lids and rings on them.  Into the water bath they went, which was brought to a boil and then processed for 35 minutes.

There they are, cooling on the counter!  Hard to believe it took nearly 30 pounds of tomatoes to get just four quarts and a half pint (I'm calling that one pizza sauce) of sauce!  But, oh, it will be so good!  And I still have about 12 pounds left that I'm thinking of turning into salsa.

Easy, peasy!  And I made it all by myself.  From seedling to sauce.

All Together Again: Day 8

Today was very low-key.  Cleaning, laundry, packing up.  Dylan ran some errands with Lyndsay and they came home with Slurpees for everyone.  Dylan and Adam played some ping-pong.  And I decided we'd eat a very early dinner so that I could make one of Dylan's favorite meals and send him off with a full tummy.  His flight was at 6:35pm and he wouldn't get to Phoenix until after 8pm, so there wasn't really a good mealtime there and I didn't want him to get off the plane famished.  So I made teriyaki salmon and rice for dinner at 4pm and an apple crisp for dessert, which we were all able to eat together.  One more time, all of us around the table.

Then Dylan said his goodbyes, and we packed up the van.  I drove him over to Brad's house so he could say goodbye, and then we headed to the airport.  I got a pass to go back with him, and we sat together for about an hour and a half before it was time for boarding.  Sometimes we talked; sometimes we sat in silence.  I gave him a Mom Pep Talk about the new school year (which starts on Monday for him) at a new school, working hard, staying focused and out of trouble, making good friends.

I asked him what his favorite things about his visit were.  Six Flags was number one.  The beach number two.  The Dodgers game number three.

I asked him if he felt my love while he was here.

He said yes.

I told him again how very much I love him and how I'd been looking forward for so many months for this time with him.  When it was time to board, and I stood in line next to him with tears filling my eyes, he grabbed me in a hug and said it was a good visit.

Man, I love that boy.  And just when I was getting used to seeing his face around here, he's gone.

But I think he was right.  I think it was a good visit.  And we needed that.

'Til we're all together again. . .

All Together Again: Day 7

Six Flags Magic Mountain today, our Grand Finale!  The boys were so excited about this trip.  Dylan brought a friend (Brad) and Sean came with us too.  We were there before the gates opened, in the throng of people already gathered.  And man was it hot.  An omen of the heat to come.  I got everyone sunblocked up before we left, thankfully, but some people (Lyndsay) were feeling the pain from sunburns acquired yesterday at the beach.  (Was that only yesterday?)

To suit everyone's needs, we made plans to meet for lunch at Panda Express at 1:30, and then we split up.  Dylan, Brad, and Sean headed off together; Lyndsay and Aiden stayed together; and Conor and I went in search of Little-Kid Fun.

After two rides (X2 and Viper), Lyns wasn't feeling so hot, so she delivered Aiden to the boys and then hooked up with me over in Bugs Bunny World, where we spent most of the day with Conor.

By 11:30 I wanted to die, cry, or go home.  It was So. Hot.  And I was mostly just sitting and watching Conor.  I had toyed with the idea of popping a book in my purse this morning, but then thought the added weight wouldn't be a good idea, and plus, who brings a book to Magic Mountain?  Well, I wish I had.  Conor was sweaty and miserable too, his face flushed bright red and his hair plastered to his forehead.

The boys arrived a little early and we headed over for lunch and DRINKS.  By that time, Sean was also feeling sick and barely touched his food.  He hung back with Lyndsay and me until he felt better and then rejoined the boys.  Who now had Conor.  The big boys took Conor on a water ride (Jet Stream) and then, by the time Sean got there, Ninja.  Which scared him the first time, but he wanted to do it again.  I love that.

Here are the boys (minus Brad in the above picture) all Ninja-ed out.  And super sweaty and hot.

We went for an ice cream break over to Ben and Jerry's.  My homeboys.

Lyndsay went with the boys then to ride Goliath, and Conor and I hitched a ride on a very slow-moving train.

Then Conor played in the water to cool off, rode a few more kiddie rides, and then Lyndsay took Conor on the Buccaneer and Swashbuckler.  And then Conor rode them each again by himself.  He was having an absolute blast.

Then back over to Bugs Bunny World where he rode every single ride at least once, sometimes five times, and all by himself, while Lyndsay and I cheered him on, and kept up with the boys' progress via texting.  They were having one more run at Tatsu and Goliath, their favorites.

Then, just minutes before the park closed, we met outside the gates for some final pictures and a recap of adventures.  The boys had so much fun, Lyndsay hung in there as well as anyone, and I was satisfied to see them all so happy.  I really don't enjoy theme parks, but I thoroughly love seeing my kids have a good time, so it was worth it.

Sean was a sport to carry Conor on his shoulders.  Conor whose little legs never gave out on him the whole 11 hours we were in the park.  They were always good for "just one more ride."  Everyone was so tired.  Everyone's feet hurt.  I stopped at Taco Bell on the way home for hungry boys.

After dropping off Brad, we went home.  The kids ate, they gave Adam the details of the day, and Conor got a bath.  Then it hit me: this is our last night together, all together.  For who knows how long. Pretty soon we'll be in three states.  It has been such a luxury to have this time together.  We had Family Prayer, all of us in Lyndsay's room.  Thank goodness for prayer.