Counting Blessings

There is turmoil swirling all around me. It is difficult to feel peace amidst so many competing emotions. Just when I think I may have caught it by the coattails. . .

It's a difficult time for me. I know a lot is riding on my decisions.

Each of my children is struggling in a very personal way with their own issues and I cannot help them. I mean, I'm trying to. I'm praying so hard to know how, but agency is real. As a mother I can love tightly, and release faithfully. I'm am trying to perfect, "Let go, and let God."

My life is the long-term plan, for sure.

Today was especially trying. I'm holding back tears of worry and fear over one of my children in particular. I had the thought today as I drove to the grocery store, "I think I may be going crazy." And it wasn't even all that alarming. Crazy gives you permission to do a lot of things, you know. Crazy could be a load off.

But this week is Thanksgiving. There is no Complaintsgiving. Worriesgiving. Fearsgiving.

And so, after a simple dinner of comfort carbs (grilled cheese, tomato soup, chips and dips), I called the boys back to the table for an even simpler Family Home Evening (which most weeks I fail at lately, by the way.)

I happened to see this link today with free downloads of "Gratitude Pie Charts". Fourteen different little visuals to organize and count your blessings. I picked one and printed it off for us. It was amazing how easy the boxes were to fill up.

And as the boxes filled up, so did my hope, and my faith.

I told the boys tonight that no matter the trials we are experiencing, no matter how hard life seems to be, we always have more blessings and things to be grateful for. I guess I needed the reminder as well.

What Can Happen in a Year

I never saw this picture coming.

Last Christmas we were not in a good place. Oh, man, it was ugly. I had made complete peace with the fact that our marriage was over. I felt the approval of heaven that I could move on, and I was ready. Excited, even. When I took down the tree last year, I kept all of his ornaments separate. I put them in their own box and tucked them in the hall closet so I could give them to him this year. To put on his own tree. In his own house. To do whatever he wanted with his own Christmas.

A lot has happened between then and now. He has his own place. And I'm not ready for that to change yet, to be honest. But somewhere around August things inside of me started shifting around, rather uncomfortably. I baby-stepped. I'm timid, with good reason. But softening, on most days.

A lot of wonderful things happened in 2013. I was not afraid to be alone. I drew boundaries for maybe the first time in my life. I graduated from nursing school and passed the board exams. I got a job, the best kind of job for me, and I'm slowly learning and gaining confidence. And a great deal of humility.

With that humility has also come a different sort of love for the man that I married. I am grateful that this year we were together. All eight of us. And it was happy and sincere. He loved getting into the Christmas spirit and giving and serving. He's so good at that anyway. It was comfortable to be together. There was happiness and cooperation. And laughing, lots of laughing. I don't have all the answers, but right now I'm asking myself different questions than I was at this time last year.

And I recognize that this picture signifies one of the most unexpected miracles of 2013.

On Saturday

I don't know about 'special', but Saturday is a busy day, for sure! And this weekend was my last weekend before I become a working mom, which means things will only get busier. I'm really praying for the stamina I will need! 

Before the football game, I took my meal plan and grocery list to the store to do the weekly shopping. 

I got home in time to find Aiden in a panic that I might be late, which would make him late, but hey, kid, I got it covered. Carry in the groceries and calm down.

Then we headed over to the park for practice first (I read more of Outliers on my Kindle and Conor played on the playground equipment while Aiden was with his team.)

Then they played an awesome game. They ended up losing (and Aiden may have broken his hand when it got stomped on by a teammate, we're not sure yet), but it was action-packed and Aiden plays his heart out! It is so thrilling to watch him. He had some glorious plays, and as always, had a lot of fun.

After the game, we picked up his friend Nick and headed up to the orchard where the boys work. They were so hot and tired (and injured), but bless their hearts, they got right to work.

I headed home, folded a load of towels, threw my bedding into the dryer, and took Conor out to the pumpkin lot/petting zoo. I love to go up to the big farm in October, but I just couldn't do it without Aiden. He would have wanted to be there. But I had seen a parking lot not far away that was fenced in and advertised pumpkins and a petting zoo, so that was a quick fix for Conor.

Just like my own kids when Mom's got a treat!

After the petting part, Conor got to choose one pumpkin. I like that they are the smaller pumpkins because those are good for cooking. I figured it could be an afternoon craft project for him now and pumpkin pie for us all later.

Back at home, I gave him some permanent markers and he set to work. Meanwhile I put the sheets back on my bed, and started baking.

I made some chocolate chip oatmeal cookies to stock up the freezer for snacks and sweet tooth attacks when Mom's not home yet from work, or too tired to bake.

Ground up flour for the week.

And made some whole grain blueberry muffins for breakfast on Monday, plus some for the freezer. It's going to take a bit of practice to get us back into this routine and to feed us all well. I do not want to slip into the "grab something quick" (takeout) mode. That's really important to me, but it definitely will require planning and follow-through.

Once Conor was in bed, I sat down at the sewing machine to finish up his Halloween costume. It wasn't difficult, just time consuming, especially the boots. I ran out of thread just before making the belt  buckle decoration, so I'll have to do that later in the week, but it's mostly complete and we're both happy with it.

I finished up around 10pm. I read a little of 'Salem's Lot, my feature scary story for this season, and talked to Aiden a bit (who got home from work around 9:30 because he went out to dinner with his friend's family after they picked the boys up) before going to bed around midnight.

I am very mindful that my life is about to change forever tomorrow morning when I start my new job. Even though I've always earned money in some capacity, it's been in my home and I've pretty much been my own boss with a few exceptions. Now I join the ranks of Working Mothers Who Work Outside the Home. It's certainly not my ideal, but at the same time I am so grateful to be able to have the opportunity to learn and work at something that I love and have such personal interest in. I'm so grateful that it's at a hospital I love and that it's close to home. I'm grateful that I've earned the education that allows me this opportunity, and I feel inside that even though things are about to change, most of those changes will be positive ones for me, for those I'm able to work with, and even for my family.

In Which I Become a Labor and Delivery Nurse!

Something marvelous has happened. It's been so overwhelming that I haven't even known how to adequately express the events here on my blog, but I've wanted to. It's important that I do. 

Here's the background information: 

I graduated from nursing school on April 30. 

I took the NCLEX (licensing board exams) on July 2. I found out I passed them on July 4, making me, officially, a Registered Nurse. (wahoo!)

I spent two weeks putting together my resume with a few expert friends. 

Then I began my job hunt. 

My first choice was a hospital nearby where I did my 4th semester clinical rotations. My first choice unit was Labor and Delivery. I realized that getting my first choice of anything as a new grad was a pipe dream, but I submitted my application for their New Grad Program anyway, on July 24. It was the first application I submitted. 

I submitted many, many more. My goal was one per day. And as the days wore on into weeks and months, I felt very discouraged. Nobody was calling. Nobody wants new grads. Everyone I talked to said it takes about a year to get the first job. And it will probably be in a nursing home. 

I knew people at several hospitals, even in L&D at the hospital I wanted to work in. It didn't seem to be helping. There wasn't a position open for a new grad. 

But then, something miraculous happened. 

The hospital I love called me for an interview! They told me I'd been very highly recommended and that though they are in the market for experienced nurses, they take recommendations very seriously. They asked me what my first choice unit was and when I told the recruiter Labor and Delivery, she set up an interview with the entire Maternity team for the next week for me. (Oh, there are so many details I'm leaving out, but you can imagine the magnitude of this blessing!)

When I hung up the phone I was in absolute shock. I went to my knees to offer a tearful prayer of the utmost gratitude and humility. 

I have come to believe that it wasn't so much my first choice as it was God placing that desire within me because it was right for me. It was where I was supposed to be. I had just come to sync up with His will for me. And He opened a position for a new grad to be considered.

I called Adam with the unbelievable news. He immediately offered to bring me a celebratory Chick-fil-A lunch. 

This would be my very first interview. And it was a huge one. I really wanted to be prepared. I read possible questions and reviewed my nursing notes from L&D and read my textbook, and prayed. Adam took Conor out one day and came home with the most glorious roses and a card that read,

"During these next few days before your interview, I hope that every time you look at these flowers you can remember how beautiful you are. Love, Everyone Around You."

I bought some nice resume paper and printed up packets with my clinical rotations, references, certifications, and whatever else any nursing website said I should be prepared with.

I contacted each of my professors and asked if they'd be a reference for me. They were all so over-the-top excited and supportive of me.

I bought a new suit and pair of shoes for the interview.

I dropped the kids off at school on Thursday morning and drove over to the hospital. One of my shoes kept slipping off my heel (darned pantyhose!) so I went into the bathroom and stuffed the toe with toilet paper. I met the woman who had called me in Human Resources, and she walked me over to the Maternity Unit of the hospital. I was in a state of wonder at my blessings and good fortune. I kept thinking, "Look at me! I am officially a big girl!" and "What on earth is happening to me right now? It feels huge!" I felt jitters of excitement, and yet also this surreal calm that whispered that this job was already mine. It was already done. I was just going through necessary motions.

I sat in the room with the four directors and head nurses. I answered their questions the best that I could. I asked my own. The interview lasted for an hour and ten minutes.

When I left, the nerves were gone. Whatever will be, will be, I thought. If this is my job, then it is mine. I was told I'd hear by the next day.

And so, when the phone rang around 11:30 the next morning, and I heard the Director tell me that it had been the consensus of the team that I join them, I felt this peace wash through me. I was being offered not just a job, but my dream job in my top-choice hospital, as a new grad with no experience. It was the first job I'd applied for and the only one I'd interviewed for, and it didn't take a year. (In fact, the recruiter apologized to me and told me that she'd been supposed to call me a month and a half ago, but had been very distracted with some personal business, but that the Director just kept coming in and asking about me.) It doesn't matter. The timing is perfect. It is how it was meant to be. I needed the experiences I went through during that time.

When I hung up, there was another sobbing prayer of gratitude. Maybe it's hard for anyone to understand the journey I've been on making this dream a reality. I started taking classes 21 years ago, not knowing they would count towards this goal. Then I put my education aside while I birthed four children and spent my days being their mother and teacher. I made the decision to become a nurse 5 years ago and it was the hardest thing I've ever accomplished. I kept my promises to the Lord and He's kept His to me.

He always does.

New grads are not getting jobs. It's just the reality of the economic climate we're in. Most of my classmates do not have jobs. The few that do are not working in hospitals. It is really desperate drudgery combing those job sites day after day. I'm so grateful that I was lifted from that.

Adam is so proud of me. My children are so proud of me. We all feel so very blessed and happy that a new phase is beginning. My Facebook page was filled with posts of congratulations, love, and support. I feel like the luckiest woman alive right now. Or, at least the luckiest new grad nurse!

Adam took me to Outback to celebrate. It was one of the best times we've had together in a long time.

Now, I am a Labor and Delivery Nurse! Good things come to those who work super hard, and put their faith in God. I will do my best to be worthy of such fortune.

(I will have 12 weeks of training, beginning on Oct. 21st. Stay tuned!)

It's Gonna Be a Great Day!

Every morning as I drive Conor to school, I sing this silly song I made up called, "It's Gonna Be a Great Day!" This morning he said, "What if it's the worst day ever?" I told him that even on days when bad things happen, there are still good things that happen also. He wanted an example.

So I used last Thursday.

Last Thursday started out to be a really great day. There was no school, and my friend gave me three tickets she had purchased and couldn't use to Knott's Berry Farm. Aiden had invited two friends (who bought their own tickets), and the night before I had the feeling I should invite Adam to come with us too, if he could get a ticket. The park opens at 10am, and we got on the road at 8:15am, hoping to beat the crowds lining up to get in.

But within minutes of getting on the freeway, my van started making very loud clunking noises. Noises that scared me, and stressed me out. Thank goodness Adam was driving. (I was instantly grateful for the prompting to have Adam join us.) I am just so tired of car problems, and since I drive a 2000 van, I have had my fair share of them. They always come when I have no money too. I had just had the transmission fixed, gaskets replaced, tires rotated, and new spark plugs put in. I had noticed that the van seemed to chug a bit when idling or in reverse, but I hadn't had time to deal with that yet, and I was so hesitant to take it back to the mechanic who had done the other work, for some reason. But these noises were frightening, and having no idea of their origination, I suggested we get off the freeway. Adam heartily agreed.

"I know a guy," I said. Just a week before, the father of two of my piano students had told me in conversation about buying Lyndsay's car, that he is a mechanic. I took his card immediately. Someone I trust! As we pulled off the freeway, I called him, and he told us to carefully drive on in.

Of course, I was worried big-time. I had a car full of boys who were so looking forward to a day at the theme park, and three of them had paid for tickets. I had no idea what would be wrong with my van, how long it would take to fix, and how much it would cost. I was scrambling for a Plan B, just in case we received a worst case scenario.

I tried to play it cool, but inside I was falling apart. I clasped Adam's hand, so grateful that I was not alone to deal with this. He's great under pressure. Calm and steady.

The boys got drinks and sat outside in the shade, waiting. They were good sports.

Miracle #1 was that I had a new mechanic come into my life whom I trusted. Miracle #2 was that he was at work early that day and was close by and could take us right away. Miracle #3 was that he figured out right away what the problem was, and it was an easy fix.

Apparently, when the other mechanics had replaced the spark plugs, they had slit the wire fitting over it leaving a big gaping crack in the rubber. The electrical current was arcing out of that and causing the sputtering and the loud noises. He replaced the wire. And bless his heart, Adam paid for it for me. We were back on the road in a little over an hour. I was saying prayers of gratitude.

We made it to the park an hour after opening.

And another wonderful surprise: The parking lot was nearly empty!! There was no one there! Which meant that even though we'd missed an hour of ride time, it was made up ten-fold by the fact that there were no lines on anything!

Here are Aiden and his best friends Zach and Nick. He's known these guys since Kinder and 3rd grade. They go to the same magnet school that he does, and they play football with him too.

We let the big boys go their own way and hit all the roller coasters. Adam and I took Conor around. Conor wants to ride everything he can ride, and I pretty much want to ride nothing, so I was again grateful that Adam was there. Besides, he needed a fun day with Conor.

This ride (they have one at almost every theme park) is one of Conor's favorites. That's Conor and Adam up there at the end of the ship. They are the only ones on the ride. They rode it a total of 5 times. Scared me to death.

Then crazy Conor wanted to ride this spinning, swirling atrocity. Adam rode it with him, but didn't fare as well afterwards. That one's a doozy!

Conor was all about maximizing his experience.

We had a really good time. I did ride on a few rides. The Bigfoot Rapids was probably my favorite, even though I got soaked. We rode that one twice. Other rides I just had no interest in riding, and one thing I appreciated so much was that Adam never made me feel like a wimp (even though I know I am one.) If I wanted to ride he was cool. If I didn't, he was cool with that too. For the last ride of the day, 15 minutes before the park closed (which was 6pm), he and Conor asked if I'd please do the log flume ride with them. I really didn't want to, but they were so excited to do it all together that I decided to be brave.

We had such a great day together. The boys rode every ride at least twice, some of them up to nine times. (CRAZY!) By closing time, they'd had their fill. There were so few people in the park, it felt like we'd all gotten to know each other as we kept seeing each other throughout the day. I got to talking with one man who was there with his grandchildren, who was from St. George, but had grown up in Snowflake, Arizona! I asked him if he knew about the temple there, and shared my involvement in that with him. We talked a bit about the Church. He knew some. His mother was a Mormon, and one of his sons is a Mormon, who married in the temple. Such a small world.

Four tired, but happy boys! A great day made possible by a dear friend (thank you, Jenn!). And even though there was a possibility of things turning south with the van problems, in the end that just turned out to be another bunch of blessings.

"So, see, Conor? There were bad things that happened and good things. But how do you remember the day?"

"Good!" he shouted. It was definitely a good day. No, a great day.