Engaged!

So, I'm standing in line at Costco, waiting for my pizza to be ready when my phone alerts me that I've got a text. When I open it, the first thing I see is that beautiful shimmering diamond on my daughter's hand, and then I read, "WE'RE ENGAGED!!!"

My heart started beating and my eyes filled with tears of absolute joy. My precious girl, my only daughter has found her Prince and tonight they have made their intent to marry official. I couldn't be happier. Of course, I had to show the complete strangers around me the picture and share my news! Bless them, they were excited and happy too!

When I got home, I ran in the door and shouted the news to the boys and Conor and I started jumping and dancing around the living room. Lyndsay and Nate FaceTimed us when they got home from Park City, where he had taken her for dinner and the proposal. They told us, through their beaming smiles, the story of how the night went down, complete with fancy steak, a walk in the snow (and she didn't bring a coat!), and a bent knee with a ring extended. She said, "If I had known he was going to propose, I would have washed my hair! Or worn eyeliner! Or worn pants!" (she had leggings on). She's so silly.

Afterwards, she sent me the other selfies they took afterwards. I love the pure joy on their faces, even though her nose and fingers are pink with cold.

Love is beautiful, and I am so grateful that Lyns and Nate have found each other. I truly love Nate. I feel like the Lord has prepared him for my sweet girl, and she for him. They will be a great pair with a glowing future. I had a serious talk with Nate when he was here over Christmas, expressing to him my deep love for Lyndsay, how precious she is to me, and how because of the things I have experienced in marriage, it is so important to me that she be safe, always. That she never feel what I have felt. He listened carefully to me. He promised me. I trust him, and that's big.

So, the kids were up late reveling in their happiness, but got up early the next morning to attend the Provo City Temple Open House before Nate headed off to classes.

And then Lyndsay's room mate begged to take some pictures of them. She got some terrific shots. They will have professional engagement pictures taken next month, but I love to look at these and just smile and laugh and cry. The emotions of motherhood take over my heart at times like this.

So happy for my girl! Later this month, she and Nate will be coming here so that Lyndsay can go through the temple and take out her endowments. Nate's family will come down from Visalia to attend with us and we will celebrate together, and get to know each other a bit, and PLAN A WEDDING!

The Deep End

Here I go, jumping in.

I've decided to end my marriage.

That decision is in the very same instance both heavy and light.

Heavy, because who wants a divorce? Heck, who wants two of them under her belt? Heavy because of the failure, the broken hearts, the casualties that always befall the smallest, most innocent ones. Heavy because I've already been down this road and I'm familiar with the ruts. Heavy because I hate those ruts. Frankly, they suck.

Light, because the ruts in that road are more appealing than the ones in the road that continues on in the same direction. Light because I want to be out from under the dark secrets of this marriage. Light because there is peace at home again. Light because without all of the surviving, maybe I can work more on thriving. I know how deeply I believe in marriage, even though it's with kind of a shocking sadness that I realize I have no personal experience to justify that belief. I know how hard I will fight for a marriage and for a family. I know that I can forgive the unforgivable. I know that I will put my needs and feelings very, very last.

And I know I have.

When we separated almost two years ago, I didn't rush to the courthouse. I knew we needed a break and I really believed that break would be permanent, but I was open to every last chance. I was shocked when I felt we might explore our relationship again eight months later and even more shocked that it led to him moving back in this past May. But very soon it was apparent that as much as I love him (and I do!) and as much as I care for him, our marriage is destructive to not only the two of us, but to our children, and there just doesn't seem to be a point in putting off what has been the inevitable for any longer. After a very brief "honeymoon" period, all of the old patterns were firmly back in place. There's so much negative history that just keeps repeating itself, and it feels impossible that trust can ever be restored. The children are begging for relief and I was startled and ashamed at how my attempts to keep things together were breaking them.

Marriages are deeply personal. I don't want to betray the sacredness of our experience, even if it's ending. He is hurting and so am I. I don't need to reveal details of our downward spiral. It is enough to say that I feel like I tried my best. He probably did too.

I am choosing to not hate. I am angry sometimes, but I'm actively working on forgiveness and compassion. For him, for me. I am sick of ugly. I just don't want it in my life. I am craving peace, and am hopeful that this terrible, sad process will bring that to both of us.

The Other Parts of our Trip

Adam and I are officially "back together." I need to write a post about that. It happened unexpectedly and only very recently, though even before that time I had invited him to come with us up to Arizona for Dylan's graduation. Aiden was not able to come because just days before we were leaving, our beloved kitty, Maestro got very, very sick. We took him to the doctor, but he needed care at home, so Aiden volunteered to stay and tend to him. We were sad Aiden couldn't be with us, but so relieved that the kitty was in good hands.

I really wanted this to be a good experience for Adam and me. It's hard for him, and vulnerable for me, because Arizona was a part of my life that happened before he did. I was married to another man, I was building a first family, I was mourning the loss of a different marriage. These are sensitive subjects for him, so I felt cautious in what I reminisced about aloud, but I also really wanted him to open up to all of the parts of my life, as my past brought me to him. It was a bit of a dance, but I was grateful that he came along.

The long stretch of highway between California and Arizona is well known to me. For many years, I drove five hours to the halfway point, at this Exit 69 on I-10 where I would meet my ex-husband and "make the exchange," either dropping off or picking up our three big kids, and then turn around and drive the five hours back home. I did it alone, I did it pregnant, I did it with an infant, then a baby, then a toddler, then a little kid Conor. Many, many times. And then we started to put them on airplanes and have them fly. (That's been so much easier!)

Seeing the exit brought back so many memories. I used to get this huge knot in my stomach and then fight to hold back tears as we approached, only to let them free once I was driving in the opposite direction. Those were hard times.

On our way through the Phoenix valley, we had an impromptu visit with my sister Amanda and her family, to say goodbye before they move back to New Jersey. It was so good to see her and get to hug her.

Then we headed over to the Gilbert Temple. Adam has the picture, but when we were walking around, we ran into an old friend of mine from years and years ago when I lived in Show Low. It was so random that her family was the only other family there, and they had just come out of the temple with her son who had received his endowments preparatory to leaving on his mission. It must have been twelve years since I'd last seen her. What a cool reunion!

Then we made a quick dash over to my brother Josiah's house so I could squish my newest niece, Everleigh. She is just the cutest thing! Oh, my goodness, it made me want a baby so badly!

(Conor would love that. He wants a baby too, but I'm afraid that's not to be.)

My handsome brother.

And his darling wife. I love her and wish we lived closer.

Finally, late that night we ended up in Show Low, driving through the canyon and the forests in the dark. Oh, the memories! I have driven those roads countless times, and there was such an interesting feeling as we approached town. Those mountains hold so much for me. My life unraveled there, and I came to know the Savior in the most personal way there as a result.

We stayed with my dad and Raelene, and they treated us to a huge breakfast our first morning.

Conor was thrilled for some chicken action. Grandpa and Grandma have lots of chickens! Conor learned to feed worms to the chickens and we checked on the eggs that their hen, Chik Patty was setting on.

He played some chess with Grandpa.

And some Pick-Up-Sticks.

Then we headed over to the Staley house for a pre-graduation party. I was so happy to see my boy! I hadn't seen him since his visit at Christmas.

The next morning we headed to the Snowflake Temple, another hallowed spot for me.

And then we went back up to Pinetop to the Ace Hardware where Dylan has worked for the last eighteen months. It was fun to see him in action. Here he is cutting rebar.

He was so great as he helped customers, and he showed us the aisles of the store that are his sole responsibility. He's doing a great job there!

I also loved that he took me around and introduced me to his friends and co-workers. I love hearing my kids say, "This is my mom." It's my favorite title in the world.

Conor played at the Staley house for a while for their youngest boy's birthday, and then we made a quick trip over to the Family Fun Park while we waited for Dylan to get off work.

Dylan got to choose wherever he wanted to go for dinner and he chose Aliberto's, a kind of fresh fast-food Mexican joint, that I have to say was pretty delicious.

Then we enjoyed our last night with Grandpa, who showed Conor his cool fossil collection, as he has all the other grandchildren before him. My children love their Grandpa. He is so gentle and kind to them and shows such a loving, personal interest in them.

And then, early Sunday morning, Grandma took Conor out to the Chicken Cacciatorium, and lo, and behold. . .

There was a fresh hatchling! What a sweet privilege for little Conor!

Then it was back on the road. We stopped at the bottom of the Salt River Canyon, but the sun was pretty bright!

And it was hot!

And after our stop at the Mesa Temple, we settled in for the long stretch home.

It was a good trip in some very important ways.