Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Out from Under the Gunk

I used to be skinny and sexy and spunky. I used to feel pretty. I used to feel terrific in my clothes--and out of them, incidentally. And I'm not talking about when I was 22. At 22 I already had 2 babies and was in full-swing Denim mu mu mommy stage. How embarrassing.

I'm talking 32. Even after 3 kids, years 30 to 32 were great me years. On top of my game. Of course, I was alone, besides my children, and in between boyfriends. But still. I felt good being me. And now? Well, in many ways I'm even more alone, but this time I'm much less me.

Where am I, anyway? I miss me. I love being a mom and doing all the mom stuff. But there is, or at least there should be, more to me! I feel out of place inside myself these days and I don't like it one bit.

I realized with shock and horror the other day that I hardly ever sing anymore. People, this is not good. In fact, this is a very bad sign. I'm not a good singer, but still, I've been known for my singing. Not the quality of it, but the tendency to be doing it constantly. Like in my kitchen. Belting out songs with great harmony parts, like I am the A+ backup singer extraordinaire, or that Celine Dion is my backup singer. Feeling the music sweep through me and feeling like a million bucks, even though I was really just a divorced mom in a kitchen making pasta. Or, like in my car. I used to be a very famous car singer. My children knew not to talk because they might interrupt me at a very good part. I would get random text messages on my phone while driving that would say, "Stop singing!", or "I can hear you singing!" My friends knew me well.

And I would laugh when I read them. Laughing and singing and driving.

Oh great, I hardly ever laugh either. Man, I'm a great laugher too. Other people used to laugh just watching me laugh. I'm not sure if life was funnier back then or not. I mean, I certainly have never had a shortage of tragedy and despair in my life, and somehow I still found time to double over in belly laughs.

I miss laughing and singing. And yet, I can't really find either of those parts of me anywhere. I hate that. They're some of my best stuff.

So now I'm out skinny, sexy, spunky, laughter, and singing. This isn't looking good.

This may be the time for me to pull a Madonna. You know, how we think she's faded into the 80's woodwork, and then BAM! There she is again, bigger, badder, buffer--calmer, softer, wiser. The queen of reinvention.

I need to reinvent me.

Or not even reinvent, necessarily, but rediscover. Get rid of all the junk that's bogging down my greatness and potential, my essence. My soul. Time is slipping by and I'm losing out on some classic years. So that means I've got to dump some insecurities, throw some caution to the wind, stop listening to the voices that tell me all the yucky stuff that makes me feel badly, and just--oh, sorry, here it goes. I know it's cliche and I didn't plan to say this, but I have no choice--

Live, Love, Laugh.

And then?



Abby said...

Jenna doesn't sing anymore?!?! Jenna doesn't crack up anymore?!?! (because let's face wasn't a cracked up!) What what what?! Something MUST be done, young lady.

I have these pictures from the time we did the sister pictures..of you and Hannah sitting up front in your van and you're both (but mostly you) belting out Moulin Rouge..and that's just so *you*. I think that's all of us, really. I don't think you can be a VanSciver and NOT break out in song at any given moment and really give it your all.

I love you. Be happy. :)

Alejandra said...

I want to see more of this silly, fun, singing Jenna :). Love ya!

Luisa Perkins said...

I just want to hug you right now. I know you'll find yourself again.

YogaNana said...

If I were to just let go and reply to this it would be longer than your post, so maybe I'll do a similar topic over on Cats today sometime. Suffice it to say: Been there and I totally get it.


Hannah said...

Jenna!! You're depriving the world of your singing and laughing? Come on! I mean at least think of the rest of us who love to hear that from you. Geez. So selfish.

J/K I love you and hope you find your spunk.

Annette Lyon said...

That's a simple yet profound realization. I wish things were better for you right now.

dcr said...

best of luck to someone i don't personally know (but would love to) and admire greatly!

find something you love and do it. you will have to sacrifice something else and (i hate to use 'but') you will feel GREAT about yourself. it's okay to do something just for YOU...everybody else in the family does, right?

Kimberly Vanderhorst said...

I think I'll follow along behind you on this path. I've stopped singing to, and I'm not so much me as I used to be.

amber Watt said...

Amen sista! I think those pictures were even maybe taken when you were on your way to my house. I do miss the singing Jenna and that could win awards. I wish we lived close to eachother. One thing I do know is your bod is still smokin' HOT! I don't care what you say.

miss you,

* said...

Great post.

I've had seasons of my life where my song is a sob and my voice is more like a whisper and a prayer. And guess what? In time, I do find my voice again and rediscover I can sing.

I enjoy seeing women in their late 30's and older (I'm 37) -- being themselves and singing their own song, whatever it be. A friend of mine has 4 young kids and is currently going through an ugly divorce. Despite her ups & downs she still dyes her hair black with pink streaks, and rocks our mama playgroup world. She's 43.

PS: I'm unapologetically making a few "me" choices this year that will reinvent me, too.

Angela said...

We all have these moments in our life and what we choose to do with it, is what defines us. The first step is the realization that something is different or missing. Then we find ways to "rediscover" (i love that explanation) who we once were or our happier selves. I am on the path of rediscovery myself. You are AMAZING and will be back soon I am CERTAIN! Love you friend

Life as I Know it said...

I just love you. You are an amazing person, and there are days that I wish I could be more like you. You make other people feel great about themselves. I love that about you. Sing with all your heart me dear sister. I will be singing with you. p.s. I have always thought you were beautiful. ALWAYS.

Anonymous said...

I think as mommies we tend to forget ourselves for awhile. We tend to our kids and forget about ourselves. It's sad when you realize that you haven't laughed in a long time or forgotten who you are. I have been there and feel like I have been crawling out of that hole for the last year or so. You are still spunky, sexy, and one hot mamma! :)

Greg and Kelli Clark said...

OH Jenna Jenna,, You not singing.. something has got to be wrong. we were never not singing. I miss you I am sure you will be okay and find yourself again even if I have to take a road trip to sing with you again.

Anonymous said...

What about dancing in the kitchen? Sing loud and Hard!!!!Crank up the music in the kitchen jenna! I love you!